I have had a long history with my sexuality. Ever since I was a little girl, it was just natural for me to be more masculine. Since I was raised with boys, it was easy for my mom to explain why I always wore cargo shorts and played with G.I. Joes so much. Many times, my mom tried to get me to dress more “appropriate” for my age. I can’t count the amount of trips that we made to Hollister when my mom would practically beg me to try on clothes that other twelve year old girls would love to wear. No matter what, I never felt comfortable.

Fifth grade is also when I had my first kiss. This was a monumental experience for me, just as a first kiss is for any other kid. The only issue is- I kissed my best friend Jess from my basketball team. Why is this an issue? Simply because my mom would’ve killed me if she found out that I kissed a girl.

I felt so guilty after our kiss that I completely stopped being friends with Jess. Almost immediately I started to beg my mom to buy me girly-er clothes. I started changing the way that I walked, dressed and even the way that I talked. I quit the basketball team and tried doing activities that were deemed more feminine. My mom absolutely loved that I was changing, and that made me happy too.

When I was in middle school, I had so many girl best friends. I thought that they were so pretty and I would always offer to walk them home every day after school. If I didn’t text them or talk to them for a couple of days, I would get sad. I was always thinking about them, no matter where I went. I tried to suppress those feelings as hard as I could, and I never allowed myself to believe that I possibly liked them in the same way that I liked Jess.

Years later, I am dating a boy my freshman year. I was never into him in the beginning, but I knew that all of my friends had boyfriends so I should probably want one too. Throughout my relationship, I still though about my feelings for girls and why they never went away. But I couldn’t be gay right? I had a boyfriend and I was so girly, how could that be possible?

Well, here I am, out and proud. I am a senior in college, and I have had a girlfriend for almost four years now. I can honestly say that I have never been this happy before. My whole life I was trying to suppress something about myself that only brings me happiness and peace. My girlfriend is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me, and I am so proud of both of us for having the courage to come out and live our lives as true as possible.

-Kenya Ramirez